AFL - How Does Your Team Rate?

Adelaide Crows - Can play good footy wherever they go. Haven't had a strong coach for the last few years. Stone the Crows. Created the Crow Throw, i.e. a very fast, illegal handball.

Brisbane Lions - These buggers play well anywhere, are tough as nails and when they hit you, you stay hit. The benchmark team for comparing the league. Were also-rans until they joined forces with the competition's easybeats, Fitzroy, and, along with a generous salary cap allowance, have become world beaters.

Carlton Blues - Full of Wogs, bought all of their players and premierships, dirty bastards e.g. Diesel, David Rhys-Jones, all too often beat Champion teams. Bastards the lot of them.

Collingwood Magpies - Nasty, ugly footballers. Full of their own self worth. Think they can buy everything, everyone and wish to be idolised. The most dispised team in the competition and the team everyone wants to see lose. All bastards. Can only win Grand Finals in October.

Essendon Bombers - Most fabulously gifted players play for Essendon. Their skills are incomparable. Best team, by number of premierships, and the most supported throughout Australia and the world (probably because they have linked with those ugly footballers from England - Man U). It is an absolute pleasure to watch how they play the game. Can be guaranteed to beat the Eagles in September.

Fremantle Dockers - From the port where aggression at the ball and the body are fundamental elements of the game. Unfortunately they have little idea of playing the game like a team from the port. Very wishy-washy. Don't see much action in September. Don't see much action in April, May, June, July or August.

Geelong Cats - Carry handbags wherever they go. Not called pussies for nothing.

Hawthorn Hawks - The Hawks have over-achieved until the last decade and just lately they have been lead by a icon in the gay community. Nothing more needs to be explained about their demise from power.

Kangaroos - Formerly North Melbourne, i.e. sold out to the corporate world. Used to have a good player who also played with others' wives. Now being coached by the Junk Yard Dog.

Melbourne Demons - Form like a yo-yo. Up one year and down the next. Very much underachievers. Interestingly they find it very difficult to get enough matches on their home ground, the Melbourne Cricket Ground.

Pt Power - From the port where aggression at the ball and the body are fundamental elements of the game. And they carry it out.

Richmond Tigers - Has beens. Won a lot of premierships in the past but filling up the trophy cabinet with wooden spoons at the moment. No stars, no coach, no hope. And still the fans support them.

St Kilda Saints - Full of show ponies. Very strong show ponies, I'll admit. Quite flamboyant at times. Have been the laughing stock of the competition until recent times.

Sydney Swans - Couldn't win a game in Melbourne so they moved to Sydney where they receive generous salary cap concessions. What more needs to be said about these middle of the table sitters.

West Coast Eagles - Travels very poorly but unbeatable at home. No matter how badly they play they always beat the Dorkers, er Dockers. As they say, lions at home - cream puffs away. For too long they have relied on a run-past player (Ben Cousins - not trying to single anybody out).

Western Bulldogs - Best dung heap in the league, i.e. very difficult to beat at home. Hopeless away from it. Dirty, scratching, ugly footballers. Would be better at wrestling than football.