Friday, February 25, 2005

AFL - How Does Your Team Rate?

Adelaide Crows - Can play good footy wherever they go. Haven't had a strong coach for the last few years. Stone the Crows. Created the Crow Throw, i.e. a very fast, illegal handball.

Brisbane Lions - These buggers play well anywhere, are tough as nails and when they hit you, you stay hit. The benchmark team for comparing the league. Were also-rans until they joined forces with the competition's easybeats, Fitzroy, and, along with a generous salary cap allowance, have become world beaters.

Carlton Blues - Full of Wogs, bought all of their players and premierships, dirty bastards e.g. Diesel, David Rhys-Jones, all too often beat Champion teams. Bastards the lot of them.

Collingwood Magpies - Nasty, ugly footballers. Full of their own self worth. Think they can buy everything, everyone and wish to be idolised. The most dispised team in the competition and the team everyone wants to see lose. All bastards. Can only win Grand Finals in October.

Essendon Bombers - Most fabulously gifted players play for Essendon. Their skills are incomparable. Best team, by number of premierships, and the most supported throughout Australia and the world (probably because they have linked with those ugly footballers from England - Man U). It is an absolute pleasure to watch how they play the game. Can be guaranteed to beat the Eagles in September.

Fremantle Dockers - From the port where aggression at the ball and the body are fundamental elements of the game. Unfortunately they have little idea of playing the game like a team from the port. Very wishy-washy. Don't see much action in September. Don't see much action in April, May, June, July or August.

Geelong Cats - Carry handbags wherever they go. Not called pussies for nothing.

Hawthorn Hawks - The Hawks have over-achieved until the last decade and just lately they have been lead by a icon in the gay community. Nothing more needs to be explained about their demise from power.

Kangaroos - Formerly North Melbourne, i.e. sold out to the corporate world. Used to have a good player who also played with others' wives. Now being coached by the Junk Yard Dog.

Melbourne Demons - Form like a yo-yo. Up one year and down the next. Very much underachievers. Interestingly they find it very difficult to get enough matches on their home ground, the Melbourne Cricket Ground.

Pt Power - From the port where aggression at the ball and the body are fundamental elements of the game. And they carry it out.

Richmond Tigers - Has beens. Won a lot of premierships in the past but filling up the trophy cabinet with wooden spoons at the moment. No stars, no coach, no hope. And still the fans support them.

St Kilda Saints - Full of show ponies. Very strong show ponies, I'll admit. Quite flamboyant at times. Have been the laughing stock of the competition until recent times.

Sydney Swans - Couldn't win a game in Melbourne so they moved to Sydney where they receive generous salary cap concessions. What more needs to be said about these middle of the table sitters.

West Coast Eagles - Travels very poorly but unbeatable at home. No matter how badly they play they always beat the Dorkers, er Dockers. As they say, lions at home - cream puffs away. For too long they have relied on a run-past player (Ben Cousins - not trying to single anybody out).

Western Bulldogs - Best dung heap in the league, i.e. very difficult to beat at home. Hopeless away from it. Dirty, scratching, ugly footballers. Would be better at wrestling than football.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE CALLING COLLINGWOOD THE MOST DESPISED, HAVE A LOOK AT ESSENDON, WITH PEVERILL THE BLOKE WHO LOKS LIKE A PIGS ARSE SMASHED WITH A CRICKET BAT, THE DIRTY PRICK CONSTANTLY TRIES TO BLINDSIDE OTHER PLAYERS, HOW LONG DID ESSENDON FLAUNT THE SALARY CAP AND GET AWAY WITH IT ? THE BUMMERS CAN GO AND GET F@#KED

Hammy said...

I have a couple of people in mind when it comes to who put this comment on.

Let's face it. The Bombers did get caught and paid a HUGE fine for their salary cap breaches. Melbourne didn't suffer the same fate and they were worse offenders. Good to see Carlton get their come-uppance.

Very good description of Peverill that. And wasn't it a dirty Collingwood bastard who kicked his arm and broke it? Let's not forget that.

Ed4Pres said...

It is of no suprise to hear a Bummers supporter describe other teams players as UGLY. Considering Essendon have the prettiest players in the league, such as Pretty Boy Lloyd and James "i love myself more than you do" Hird and they carry their handbags on and off the field! With regard to their blattant salary cap disregard, what is most amusing is that during those years that they made the biggest mockery of it, Essendon only won 1 flag, making them the biggest under-achievers in history! They are the dirtiest players in the league yet have the record for the most tribunal cases dismissed! (and you say Collingwood buy everything?) Regarding your answer to my obviously learned collegue, Anonymous comment on Damien "smashed crab" Peverill, the game, Hammy, is called "FOOTBALL" and if Sheedys gameplan wasnt dive on the footy and get a free kick, then maybe one of our gentleman footballers might not have kicked his arm! But I must concede one point, I am allways happy to see any team, including your ladies belt the stuffing out of the "West Coast Budgies" anytime of the year! They have won two games PRE-SEASON and allready are talking premiership? Poofs!

Hammy said...

Smashed Crab, eh? Fairly concise. I don't understand why the Bombers only lost about nine games in three seasons but only came up with one flag. Perhaps with the salary cap breaches they didn't want the situation to become too obvious so that when they did get found out the punishment wouldn't be so harsh. Well, it was harsh, but deserved.

Four flags in 24 years when for a long time we had the best, and prettiest, full-forward and the prettiest, and one of the most talented, midfield players ever to grace the playing field, is an underachievement.