Thursday, October 27, 2005

Making The Punishment Fit The Crime

It has come to my attention that there is some bloodlust out there in the blogosphere. All this talk about capital and corporal punishment and I don't appear to be doing my bit. Giving my opinion to the world, that is. I'll attempt to draw up a charter of punishment that fits the crime.

Talking back to parents - One slap on the bott bott.
Talking back to teacher (unjustified, that is) - One slap with a rule on the back of the hand.
Stealing a car - 20 lashes/week for one year.
Destruction of private property - Must repay damaged property and suffer 10 lashings/AU$1000 value.
Throwing water in Tom Cruise's face - Sorry, no crime here.
Causing a traffic accident as a result of one's stupidity and killing an innocent party - 10 years in jail coupled with weekly whippings.
Committing adultery - Not on in my book. Must walk around nude at work for 3 days. If this is a turn-on then must never be seen naked in public again. If the criminal doesn't have a job then see the following punishment.
Not having a job and bludging off the rest of us poor bastards - 20 lashes/week until employment is gained.
Racing on back streets - Must drive a Travant for the rest of their natural lives.
Not paying for fuel - Must repay stolen amount, plus costs, and take 10 canings on the bare backside.
Urinating in public (except for 5 years old and under) - Must wear watertight leggings filled with own urine for one week.
Graffiti (only a crime if not funny or artistic) - Clean it up and go to art classes.
Manslaughter - 20 years in jail unless completely accidental.
Murder - Death.
Genocide - Death.
Stealing a piece of bread - Lifetime solitary confinement. No possibility of parole. Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

Back to work people.


john said...

Hey, stumpled upon your site using the random seach, your title caught my eye, lol.. i thought only scotish people were frual bastads? lol

Hammysmum said...

This is for Nick Souter. You are quite correct about the horse called, Rogan Josh, he did run in the Melbourne Cup. He did not, however, break his leg! When are you going to make it possible for us to comment directly on your Blog again?
This is a bore!

megha said...

"Urinating in public (except for 5 years old and under) - Must wear watertight leggings filled with own urine for one week."

lol, the ideas you have.

Joe said...

Glad to see you're working Tom Cruise references into your posts, Hammy.

Hammy said...

John - thanks for dropping by. Maybe not all Scots are frugal bastards but certainly not all frugal bastards are Scots.

Joe - glad to see that you could sort through the bulldust to find the Tom Cruise dis. Or is it diss? I have learnt somewhat from the best but have much to learn.

honkeie2 said...

But what if I urinate in publick on Tom Cruise right after i spray painted his car with 'only weridos will follow a religion started by a sci-fi author'
Do I still get off scott-free?

Ben said...

Hey, have you seen the Perth Monopoly?

Hammy said...

Ben - no. Do share.

Honkeie2 - that sort of behaviour is actively encouraged. As long as it is captured on video to share with the world. You make me laugh. Why didn't I think of that?

Ben said...

Perth Monopoly, e.g. you have St George's Tce, Kings Park, etc... is available at Retravision and and somewhere else only. Proceeds goes to Channel 7 Telethon.

Check the papers for details.

Ben said...

By Monopoly, I mean Monopoly the board game, not monopoly the economic concept.