Making Kimchee Made Simple

I finished making some kimchee tonight. Not sure what it tastes like yet. Will probably burn my intestines.

Firstly you cut up a chinese cabbage. Wash, if you wish, then chop and add heaps of salt. Allow to do whatever it is doing by standing overnight. Stand the cabbage and not yourself. You have a busy day tomorrow and would be too tired to accomplish anything of use if you were standing all night. Then rinse, quite thoroughly if you haven't washed beforehand, then allow to drain overnight after squeezing as much water out as you can. This is a time-consuming art. Time consuming as it has taken over 8 years to get the secret to making this stuff out of my wife.

The cabbage, awaiting the assault of the chili powder et al.

Further ingredients required are, from the left; <1 tspn of sugar, ~3 heaped tablespoons of chili powder and something like 50mL of fish sauce (which will take ages to pour into the bowl). Also note that approximately one clove of crushed garlic has been added to the mixture (sans chili powder at the moment).

Sugar, chili powder, fish sauce and garlic.

Next, mix the chili powder with the other ingredients until it has a rich, thick texture. I don't know what that means either so no emails please.

Beware of fireworks.

Mix by hand, complete with glove so as not to burn your skin as this stuff could be used in nuclear warfare, and add chili powder if the mixture doesn't appear to have the potency for killing a large male deer. Once satisfied please test on the nearest available large male deer.

Don't wipe your eyes whilst doing this at home, kiddies.

The finished product. Well, not quite. Place in a sealed container and put in the fridge for a day or two. Invite some people that you quite dislike to your house for a meal and put it on their plate. Make sure they try some believe the plate is dissolved.

Almost ready to inflict pain on someone.