A Heap More Memes

Truly the Professionals - And I can't even replicate their poor spelling.

Another first chalked up by Julia Gillard

Ashes 2013

Despicable

Greek antique plates

If my wife was a judge

Liz Hurley's Bikini Diet

My new car

No perfect people allowed

Meaningless threat nowadays

Was the whole season wasted?

Flash Cars Are Just Penis Extensions

You've seen them before. Those guys who are owners of micro-penises and just have to have the big car that acts as a penis extension. Without the flash car they don't feel like real men.

The other day whilst out for a walk at lunchtime I saw a very nice Ferrari drive past. OK, there aren't a lot of Ferraris that don't look very nice, granted. But the driver was going past at about 40~50kms/h and sped up to the 60 limit. Maybe, just maybe, he put it into second gear. This car must have been worth three or four hundred thousand dollars, and looked every bit of it, but the guy was driving within the speed limit and can't use it to full value.

My question is - what good is a penis extension if you can't get a hard-on?

Checked Your Headlights Lately?

Starting work early and at various times during winter I've had the opportunity to take notice of how good the headlights are on cars passing by. Sometimes in between buses I can count 340 cars going past. As a rule I have noticed that between 2.5% and 4% of all cars passing have a crook headlight or the driver has even forgetten to turn the headlights on altogether.

Trailers are another story. I didn't keep the exact figures but I'd say a quarter to a third of all trailers don't have correctly working lights. That's a sad indictment on our tradies. They need their trailers for work but fail to look after them. And driving around in the dark without correct lighting isn't too safe or too clever.

I understand that in Britain that there is an annual MOT test and for a normal passenger vehicle over three years of age you're looking at nearly A$100/year. I'm disgusted at times by the number of unroadworthy vehicles on the road, and the drivers who don't appear to be worthy of having a licence, and maybe an annual check of vehicles in Australia wouldn't be a bad idea. Can't see it happening though as it would seem to be just another tax. And they are not too popular at the moment.

What a Car's Colour Says About Its Owner

From the Chicago Sun-Times via Reader's Digest.

The British Royal Automobile Club compiled a list of what a car's colour says about its owner:

Black: You're ambitious and status-seeking.
Green: You're very traditional and an elitist.
Blue: You're a team player and very sociable.
White: You're aloof, dutiful and methodical.
Grey: You're understated and cautious.
Silver: You have a sense of style, but you can be pompous.
Red: You're outgoing, impulsive and easily bored.

I've only owned two cars in 22 years. First was green coloured and the current vehicle is silver (argon actually). Does that mean I was traditional and elitist but have garnered a sense of style with pompousity?

Perhaps I should add that I reckon anybody with an orange, yellow or pink car has a weirdness gene issue and is a rampant attention seeker. What does your car tell everyone about your personality?

Don't Try To Cheat Me Genuine Toyota Dealer

My missus had an argument with another car in the McDonald's car park a few months back. They drove into each other whilst reversing out of their bays. More damage done to my missus' car as her taillight was smashed. Only a bit of the plastic broken off but the whole unit needed replacing. Legally each driver, in that situation, has to cover their own damage. Not enough damage to make an insurance claim and suffer raised premiums as a result.

So I rang a Toyota dealer who quoted me $316! Well, I wasn't going to put up with that. My local Auto Pro, a parts and accessories specialist, obtained a genuine Toyota taillight with a charge to me of only $210. Never go to a dealer for a price unless you want to see what a rip-off merchant charges.

I'm a White Australian and in the Minority

I'm white. Have been all my life. Except when I was born and then I was probably a greyish colour. And apart from times that I've been sunburnt and I was more of a deep red colour. And not forgetting the times when I was younger and was around girls that I was attracted to and my skin went a blushing pinky hue. But, you get the picture.

White Australians. We're supposed to be the majority. It's why we had the White Australia Policy - so that Green Day wouldn't have to sing about us. I found out recently that I am part of the minority - or so I thought. Honda has a new slogan which I thought was "8 out of 10 people who test drive a Honda buy one". We test drove a Honda Jazz just over two and a half years ago. Nice, zippy little car but we didn't buy one. Ended up getting the world's favourite car, a Toyota Corolla, instead.

The actual slogan relates to a Honda Civic, not the Jazz, so it would appear that I'm not in the minority after all. Just sadly mistaken. Perhaps I do belong in the majority.

8 out of 10 people who test drive a Civic buy one.

It Always Happens When You Wash The Car

We went something like 55 days without rain in Perth. Pretty warm and quite dry. Not great weather for the garden. On Valentine's Day I decided that the cars needed washing as they were rather dirty. So I spent 20-25 minutes washing them and they came up ok. What should happen a couple of days later, as it always does when you wash the car? You might think that it rained, right? Wrong! The next door neighbour had his house demolished. I came home and my car was covered in dust. Dirty, stinking, loamy dust. At least the car won't go rusty with that much dust covering it.

Demolition finished.

Exhausted Exhaust

For a couple of weeks I had noticed a bit of a rattle out of the rear end of the car. It didn't seem to be anything major or getting any worse. Then the other day as I was about to go for a drive I noticed that the tailpipe was pointing upwards which was rather strange. Closer inspection revealed that the exhaust had rusted through and I don't really understand how it hadn't fallen off.

Took it down to a nearby exhaust and brake shop who could do the job the next day after giving me a chance to drop it off after work had finished. It must have been two, possibly three, years since the exhaust pipe was last replaced. The mechanic said that if you get two years out of an exhaust you've done well. Apparently unleaded petrol coupled with low kilometres leads to exhaust failure quite early as it rusts from the inside even though the outside looks almost brand new.

Exhausted Exhaust

It's an expensive habit to develop, methinks. The mechanic also said that he'd seen much worse and people asked for it to be welded back together.

Tree Hugger

I had to pick up a work colleague on the way to a vendor inspection yesterday. He was located near a busy train station. Cars were parked on every available spot alongside the road. So there wasn't a lot of space between cars or trees.

Now, I'm not sure if this guy was a greenie or a different kind of tree hugger but as he pulled out from his off-road parking spot I saw a reasonable sized branch hanging off the back door. He had had to park so close to a tree that when the backseat passenger got out and closed the door they had caught the branch in it. I must say, it was quite a sight to see a car driving down the road with a branch poking out from the door.

The Good Samaritan - Moi?

I don't mind helping out the neighbours or even strangers in need of a hand. Yesterday whilst walking to work I noticed something odd. A car was parked on the road facing the driveway. Then I noticed the girlfriend of the car's owner was at the car dressed in her pyjamas. It's at this stage that I realised the car wasn't actually going. Aha, the stupid Holden ute is not running and they need a hand to push it into the driveway. Being the helpful-natured bloke that I am I was about to help out then I remembered that I'd seen the guy take a wheelbarrow load of rubbish across the road and dump it on a vacant block.

Push your own heap of sh!t back into the yard, you prick.

Me, the good Samaritan? Not today, bucko.

Down On The Farm

Recently I returned home with the missus and the boy for my mum's birthday. The trip home involved one day down on the farm and I'm pretty sure that the boy had a good time. We visited one of my uncles and he had a calf that was being looked after. This gave Yu-Jin the opportunity to feed it. Just look at the world's latest cowgirl too. She sure looks like she could handle a bullock.



Feeding a calf

I think the thing most enjoyed by the boy about farm life was getting to drive the car. No, it wasn't quite as irresponsible or Britney Spears-like as I did wait until he was physically able to steer and see over the steering wheel. I see that playing computer games does have its uses.



Kid driving the car

Trials Of Buying A Car

Miky wanted a new car. Not a new new car. Just a much newer one than the one she had. Her preference was for a 2005 Toyota Corolla hatchback. We bought the paper, the Autotrader and the Quokka but didn't locate much of interest. Not in our price range anyway. Couple of other tacks to try - Carsales.com.au and Shoprite.

I'd used Shoprite before to buy my car in 2000. They searched for a car that met my specifications and did a great job. Their commission was taken from the selling price of the car and not added to afterwards. To gain membership either you had to be a union member (I'm not any longer) or a Friendlies Chemist member. It cost a total of $11 to get a Friendlies Chemist membership for the rest of the year.

Carsales.com.au had lots of 2005 Toyota Corolla hatchbacks on offer in our price range. I rang a telephone number, after hours, and left a message. The next day the car salesman, Greig, rang back and we had a few phone calls back and forth before getting hold of each other. I asked if they were part of a fleet buy and he said yes. Booked an appointment for the Wednesday night to view.

By this time the guy from Shoprite, Ken, had located a car at the upper limit of our price range, but it was a sedan. He tried to warn us off buying a hatchback, and when I mentioned our appointment that night he said that they had been purchased from Bayswater Car Rental and should be avoided, but we still wanted to view it.

We arrived at New Town Toyota. No-one came to greet us. It was a very cold evening. Nearly ten minutes past before someone came and gave us a very smarmy, "Can I help you?" Not being in a good mood I replied, "Only if your name is Greig." He then muttered that he would find him for us. Then he just walked back to the guys he had been talking to. More time went by and I headed up to this group of salesmen. Another, younger bloke boldly stepped forward and asked if he could help. I said that we hadn't had any service and he interrupted me with a, "But we've only just seen you." My response was "That gentleman (loosely used term accompanied by finger pointing) spoke to me five minutes ago and said that he would look for Greig for me." No comeback. After being told that Greig was probably buying himself something to eat I waited another five minutes and then he showed, having been called. Surely the first guy could have done that.

Greig was a young man, with smoker's breath, who hadn't been in the job for long. Miky hit him straight up. "Are these ex-rentals?" - yes. "Why are the cars right at the back $1000 cheaper?" - they had no stamp duty paid and were just to get people to the shop. I was staggered by the honesty. We took one car for a drive which was $2000 dearer than the cheapest one of the same age and mileage.

The car was ok, nothing special. But it certainly had come from Bayswater Car Rental. Ken had also warned us that these cars generally did 50000km without a proper service and just had the oil filter changed, if we were lucky. The vehicle we took for a test drive had a big chip out of the bonnet too which our salesman hadn't noticed. Didn't appear to know the car too well.

Rang Ken and said that we were coming to see his recommended vehicle. I had to meet Steve and Ken would pop by later. Drove to John Hughes in Vic Park. Asked for Steve and was speaking to him. He rang Ken and took us over to the car immediately. Young, fresh-faced, knowledgeable, friendly, courteous. He removed the painted price from the windscreen, moved another car out of the way and took us for a test drive. A couple of streets away we swapped so that I could drive. This sedan was a nice little car with a big boot and an MP3 player. Following our drive we were left alone to discuss this whilst Steve gathered some hot drinks for us. Ken dropped in and he and Steve appeared to bit very pally. I asked if Ken had worked for John Hughes and he said that he had about 34 years ago.

In no position to make a decision we decided to take some time to think about it. Steve mentioned on the way out that he'd spoken to the manager and, if it would help with making a decision tonight, they were prepared to knock a further $500 off the price. But only for tonight. I thanked him and said, "I'd rather have my second thoughts first." And with that we left.

There was no comparison. The sedan was in much better condition than the hatchback and appeared to be a much nicer car. I decided to think some more and visit City Toyota as they had some ex-demos on sale. We could pick up a 2006 model sedan for $2000 more. The salesman, a bit arrogant he was, wasn't prepared to talk a deal unless I was willing to put an offer on the car. So, I had to be willing to buy it before we could deal on the price. Not happy with that.

I was able to use the ex-demo model value as leverage to negotiate with John Hughes. I rang Ken and said that we would offer a further $500 below the special offer of the Wednesday night. He wasn't so sure but rang for us and made the offer. About five minutes later he rang back and said, "You must be a believer. I'm a believer but I didn't think that they would accept the offer. But they did. Congratulations."

We picked the car up the next Wednesday. Miky wasn't happy about not getting a hatchback. In fact, she was quite upset about it. We had seen a nice 2006 hatchback for sale but it was $5000 more than we wanted to pay. I told her that in two to three weeks she would have forgotten about her disappointment as her car was very nice.

It's been those two or three weeks and not one complaint has been forthcoming. I tell you, that $11 for Friendlies membership was well spent. There's no way I could have talked a car dealer down four or five thousand dollars on my own. Do your homework when buying a car people. And deal with a dealer, unless buying privately, that you feel comfortable with. And I heartily recommend Shoprite.