Hammy's Laws III

1. If a job is worth doing, it's worth doing properly (especially when the boss is watching).
2. When pulling something apart there will always be one more screw to undo before it comes apart.
3. Keep your mouth shut and appear stupid because if you don't you will remove all doubt.
4. Once you have pulled something apart to fix and then put it back together again, it will only work if many parts are left over and never if you use every part.
5. Washing the car, the windows or clothes all cause rain.
6. All warranties expire yesterday.
7. Everything works perfectly when the repairman comes.
8. If you have the enthusiasm, people can con you into anything.
9. The driver in front of you can't drive.
10. If the driver behind you can't drive, he will overtake you.
11. Interference disappears when commercials appear.
12. People pushing shopping trolleys in front of you will wander around aimlessly.
13. To err is human but to muck things up completely requires a computer.
14. If you want something now from the shopt it will be on order or of a discontinued line.
15. Golf balls have built-in anti-homing devices.
16. The umpire never sees the first violation, only the second which is invariably yours.
17. If you think that you have the correct amount of something, add half a metre. If you do you will have two metres to spare and if you don't you will be short.
18. You never notice the security guard or store detective until you steal something and get caught.
19. A purse full of money is a girl's best friend.
20. A purse full of money is a girl's worst enemy.
21. Cleanliness may well be next to godliness but I reckon it is closer to impossible.
22. You never see the checkout girl who has her photo on an excellence certificate.
23. My car has a better economy than that of Bob Hawke's monetary policy.
24. Concrete ducks don't swim.
25. Shop assistants usually don't know anything about the particular product that you want to test.