Hammy's Laws I

I wrote these back around the late 80s to early 90s. I didn't date them, unfortunately. They were initially typed up on a Commodore64 and printed on a dot matrix printer. Showing my age a bit, I know. They were the thoughts and observations of a pessimistic yet optimistic young bloke - Hammy, now better known as Frugal Bastard.

1. Christmas has a bad habit of coming, and going, quickly.
2. Birthdays are worse than Christmas.
3. The pressure of water to come out of a drinking fountain is inversely proportional to the pressure you exert on the button and directly proportional to how close your face is to the stream.
4. Things are more likely to go wrong when you are certain that they won't and doubly so if you have a bet on them.
5. Elvis Presley will live longer while he is dead than when he was alive.
6. Battery drills will always go flat with one hole left to drill.
7. A jail sentence will be indirectly proportional to the heinousness of your crime.
8. Trees and stobie poles do commit suicide.
9. Michael Jackson will end up with more plastic surgery than Jane Fonda.
10. People are quite prepared to do a good days work, for a weeks pay.
11. The likelihood of Collingwood winning another grand final is an inverse relationship with how well their supporters think they will do this year.
12. For as long as Alex Van Gastel is allowed to drive there will be accidents.
13. For as long as Bob Hawke is allowed to govern Australia, never will a country be doing so well and yet doing so badly.
14. Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes right to the bone (and sometimes further).
15. The English will always be known as "Bloody Poms".
16. It WILL be close IF it hits.
17. "No-one" will always play a brilliant game of Aussie Rules.
18. You are most likely to start making less mistakes when your errors are at a maximum.
19. It is better to be confused than not know what you are doing.
20. A watched pot never boils but unwatched toast will be burnt to a cinder.
21. If it moves, shoot it (although a stationary target is easier to hit).
22. Too many people talk faster than they think.
23. The boss always knows of an easier method.
24. Christ will come again but God knows when (joke).
25. I may not be right but I'm never wrong.