How Embarrassing
Bit chilly this morning so I wore a heavy jacket, even though it was going to warm up to 30 degrees. As I approached the bus stop I noticed the bus so I made a run for it. "Just what I need in my heavy jacket," I thought. Somebody was waiting at the bus stop so I arrived in time not to hold anybody up.
Then it happened. One of those dreadful moments you hope never happen to you.
I pulled my wallet out to tag on with my SmartRider. The wallet must have been upside down and all of the bank cards, library cards, discount cards, etc, that were living in the sleeves decided to disengage the wallet. And boy, did they spread out over the floor. Right in front of a bus load of people. And the bus driver waited for me to pick them up. When I got to about the last two cards he made the decision to depart.
Guess where the only seat available was? Yes, at the front of the bus facing everybody. Thankfully I had my sunglasses and a newspaper which allowed me to ignore all the stares that must have been in my direction.
How embarrassing.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
More Ben Cousins Jokes
Q. Why do the Eagles name 22 players but only 21 take the field?
A. Ben Cousins just can't go past the white line.
Q. Have you heard about the new, low irritant Ben Cousins contact lenses?
A. They guarantee that your eyes never get bloodshot.
Q. Have you heard about the Cousins Burger Meal?
A. It comes with free coke.
Q. Why do the Eagles name 22 players but only 21 take the field?
A. Ben Cousins just can't go past the white line.
Q. Have you heard about the new, low irritant Ben Cousins contact lenses?
A. They guarantee that your eyes never get bloodshot.
Q. Have you heard about the Cousins Burger Meal?
A. It comes with free coke.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Hammy’s Laws IV
1. Blowflies disappear when the flyspray is produced.
2. Smoke from around a fire will always follow you.
3. Bargains in this day and age are as rare as hens’ teeth.
4. The only real challenge is the one within yourself.
5. Philosophy is the art of thinking nonsense and making it sound convincing.
6. If at first you don’t succeed, try something easier.
7. Performance levels are only plateaus of the mind.
8. Winning isn’t everything but bettering yourself and feeling good about your work and effort are important.
9. The only time that you ever exceed the speed limit a police car will be following you.
10. If you wake up during the night and feel awake, you will become tired when it is time to get up.
11. People don’t do things with blind stupidity, there will always be a good reason for it.
12. Checkout girls work quickly when the queues are short and pitifully slowly when the queues are long.
13. Objects that you don’t require the use of will pop up everywhere and disappear when you need them.
14. Gangsters don’t live long enough to prove whether or not cracking your knuckles causes arthritis.
15. Only in TV commercials do icecream wrappers undo easily without destroying the packaging.
16. Never clean a golf ball before using it on your first hole because you will lose it.
17. Don’t tempt fate, fate wins.
18. If you only see one episode from a series and don’t enjoy it, years later when the series re-run is viewed it will be the same episode.
19. The driver usually survives when all of his passengers die in a car accident if he is drunk.
20. Songs that you hate are the ones that you hum to yourself and can’t get out of your mind.
21. If a man can’t see why a girl wears a strapless dress, she shouldn’t.
22. A good girl is good but a bad girl is better.
23. Few things are more expensive than a girl who has the evening free.
24. Anatomy is something everybody has but it looks better on a girl.
25. When a girl is old enough to go out alone, she doesn’t.
You can see that I had run out of original ideas by the end of this set of Hammy’s Laws.
1. Blowflies disappear when the flyspray is produced.
2. Smoke from around a fire will always follow you.
3. Bargains in this day and age are as rare as hens’ teeth.
4. The only real challenge is the one within yourself.
5. Philosophy is the art of thinking nonsense and making it sound convincing.
6. If at first you don’t succeed, try something easier.
7. Performance levels are only plateaus of the mind.
8. Winning isn’t everything but bettering yourself and feeling good about your work and effort are important.
9. The only time that you ever exceed the speed limit a police car will be following you.
10. If you wake up during the night and feel awake, you will become tired when it is time to get up.
11. People don’t do things with blind stupidity, there will always be a good reason for it.
12. Checkout girls work quickly when the queues are short and pitifully slowly when the queues are long.
13. Objects that you don’t require the use of will pop up everywhere and disappear when you need them.
14. Gangsters don’t live long enough to prove whether or not cracking your knuckles causes arthritis.
15. Only in TV commercials do icecream wrappers undo easily without destroying the packaging.
16. Never clean a golf ball before using it on your first hole because you will lose it.
17. Don’t tempt fate, fate wins.
18. If you only see one episode from a series and don’t enjoy it, years later when the series re-run is viewed it will be the same episode.
19. The driver usually survives when all of his passengers die in a car accident if he is drunk.
20. Songs that you hate are the ones that you hum to yourself and can’t get out of your mind.
21. If a man can’t see why a girl wears a strapless dress, she shouldn’t.
22. A good girl is good but a bad girl is better.
23. Few things are more expensive than a girl who has the evening free.
24. Anatomy is something everybody has but it looks better on a girl.
25. When a girl is old enough to go out alone, she doesn’t.
You can see that I had run out of original ideas by the end of this set of Hammy’s Laws.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Just Call Me The Timelord
Daylight savings finished in Oz this morning. Rather than run around last night changing the clocks in and around the house I did it this morning. Let's see, how many were there?
All up there were 16 clocks to change. And, I hate to admit it, but I needed the manual for Miky's mobile. Every other clock I was able to do by myself. I wonder what percentage of the population can program a video recorder without resorting to the manual?
Big head alert.
Daylight savings finished in Oz this morning. Rather than run around last night changing the clocks in and around the house I did it this morning. Let's see, how many were there?
All up there were 16 clocks to change. And, I hate to admit it, but I needed the manual for Miky's mobile. Every other clock I was able to do by myself. I wonder what percentage of the population can program a video recorder without resorting to the manual?
Big head alert.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Hammy's Laws III
1. If a job is worth doing, it's worth doing properly (especially when the boss is watching).
2. When pulling something apart there will always be one more screw to undo before it comes apart.
3. Keep your mouth shut and appear stupid because if you don't you will remove all doubt.
4. Once you have pulled something apart to fix and then put it back together again, it will only work if many parts are left over and never if you use every part.
5. Washing the car, the windows or clothes all cause rain.
6. All warranties expire yesterday.
7. Everything works perfectly when the repairman comes.
8. If you have the enthusiasm, people can con you into anything.
9. The driver in front of you can't drive.
10. If the driver behind you can't drive, he will overtake you.
11. Interference disappears when commercials appear.
12. People pushing shopping trolleys in front of you will wander around aimlessly.
13. To err is human but to muck things up completely requires a computer.
14. If you want something now from the shopt it will be on order or of a discontinued line.
15. Golf balls have built-in anti-homing devices.
16. The umpire never sees the first violation, only the second which is invariably yours.
17. If you think that you have the correct amount of something, add half a metre. If you do you will have two metres to spare and if you don't you will be short.
18. You never notice the security guard or store detective until you steal something and get caught.
19. A purse full of money is a girl's best friend.
20. A purse full of money is a girl's worst enemy.
21. Cleanliness may well be next to godliness but I reckon it is closer to impossible.
22. You never see the checkout girl who has her photo on an excellence certificate.
23. My car has a better economy than that of Bob Hawke's monetary policy.
24. Concrete ducks don't swim.
25. Shop assistants usually don't know anything about the particular product that you want to test.
1. If a job is worth doing, it's worth doing properly (especially when the boss is watching).
2. When pulling something apart there will always be one more screw to undo before it comes apart.
3. Keep your mouth shut and appear stupid because if you don't you will remove all doubt.
4. Once you have pulled something apart to fix and then put it back together again, it will only work if many parts are left over and never if you use every part.
5. Washing the car, the windows or clothes all cause rain.
6. All warranties expire yesterday.
7. Everything works perfectly when the repairman comes.
8. If you have the enthusiasm, people can con you into anything.
9. The driver in front of you can't drive.
10. If the driver behind you can't drive, he will overtake you.
11. Interference disappears when commercials appear.
12. People pushing shopping trolleys in front of you will wander around aimlessly.
13. To err is human but to muck things up completely requires a computer.
14. If you want something now from the shopt it will be on order or of a discontinued line.
15. Golf balls have built-in anti-homing devices.
16. The umpire never sees the first violation, only the second which is invariably yours.
17. If you think that you have the correct amount of something, add half a metre. If you do you will have two metres to spare and if you don't you will be short.
18. You never notice the security guard or store detective until you steal something and get caught.
19. A purse full of money is a girl's best friend.
20. A purse full of money is a girl's worst enemy.
21. Cleanliness may well be next to godliness but I reckon it is closer to impossible.
22. You never see the checkout girl who has her photo on an excellence certificate.
23. My car has a better economy than that of Bob Hawke's monetary policy.
24. Concrete ducks don't swim.
25. Shop assistants usually don't know anything about the particular product that you want to test.
Hammy's Laws II
1. Traffic lights only change to green once you have come to a stop.
2. The Double Bass will never become a Treble.
3. If the bathroom door is locked, chances are that a woman is inside doing her hair or makeup.
4. What goes up will have a greater certainty of coming down if your head is directly beneath it.
5. Cakes that fit perfectly into a cake tin will be destroyed when the first slice is cut.
6. Tin whistles may well be made from tin but fog horns will never be made from fog.
7. Automatic doors will always close just as you start to walk through them.
8. Pensioners will never really gain from the Federal Budget.
9. New or clean carpets will always have mud wiped upon them or something will spill on them.
10. If you support Greenpeace you will blow your nose in silence.
11. Peter Garrett proves that skinheads have less brains than hair.
12. The comfortability of your car will be inversely proportional to the distance you need to travel.
13. If you drop something it will land in the worst possible way.
14. Once bread has been put in the toaster it will be forgotten.
15. Once a divot has been taken in golf, you will never find the same amount of divot to replace it with.
16. Diets which were started 'yesterday' will be forgotten by tomorrow.
17. Friendships are priceless but making enemies can be very costly.
18. Snow melts when you iron it.
19. Wooden frypans are useless.
20. If you have the concentration span of a New Zealander, you are in trouble.
21. Bob Hawke is a wheatbag short of a silo.
22. The amount of buttons on a remote control will be inversely proportional to how well you understand its functions.
23. "Never, have so many, owed so much, to so few," - Quotation about taxpayers.
24. Words printed on thinner paper make for lighter reading.
25. Some people get fat just looking at food.
26. The cost of a meal at a restaurant will be inversely proportional to how much you enjoyed it.
27. Man may well be the most intelligent creature but he can also be the most stupid.
1. Traffic lights only change to green once you have come to a stop.
2. The Double Bass will never become a Treble.
3. If the bathroom door is locked, chances are that a woman is inside doing her hair or makeup.
4. What goes up will have a greater certainty of coming down if your head is directly beneath it.
5. Cakes that fit perfectly into a cake tin will be destroyed when the first slice is cut.
6. Tin whistles may well be made from tin but fog horns will never be made from fog.
7. Automatic doors will always close just as you start to walk through them.
8. Pensioners will never really gain from the Federal Budget.
9. New or clean carpets will always have mud wiped upon them or something will spill on them.
10. If you support Greenpeace you will blow your nose in silence.
11. Peter Garrett proves that skinheads have less brains than hair.
12. The comfortability of your car will be inversely proportional to the distance you need to travel.
13. If you drop something it will land in the worst possible way.
14. Once bread has been put in the toaster it will be forgotten.
15. Once a divot has been taken in golf, you will never find the same amount of divot to replace it with.
16. Diets which were started 'yesterday' will be forgotten by tomorrow.
17. Friendships are priceless but making enemies can be very costly.
18. Snow melts when you iron it.
19. Wooden frypans are useless.
20. If you have the concentration span of a New Zealander, you are in trouble.
21. Bob Hawke is a wheatbag short of a silo.
22. The amount of buttons on a remote control will be inversely proportional to how well you understand its functions.
23. "Never, have so many, owed so much, to so few," - Quotation about taxpayers.
24. Words printed on thinner paper make for lighter reading.
25. Some people get fat just looking at food.
26. The cost of a meal at a restaurant will be inversely proportional to how much you enjoyed it.
27. Man may well be the most intelligent creature but he can also be the most stupid.
The Catastrophe We Face With Global Warming
People of this world are heading for a catastrophe due to global warming. Remember good ol' Charles Darwin with this theory of evolution and survival of the fittest? Why do whales survive so well in the cold? Their blubber keeps them warm. Human beings are getting fatter. There is more than anecdotal evidence to support this. It appears that human beings are preparing themselves for an ice age. It's almost obvious, isn't it?
If the world is heating up due to global warming then the fittest, i.e. the slimmest, will survive. Overweight people don't handle the heat well. Yes people, unless an ice age is coming you'd better start losing weight otherwise global warming will decimate the human population.
People of this world are heading for a catastrophe due to global warming. Remember good ol' Charles Darwin with this theory of evolution and survival of the fittest? Why do whales survive so well in the cold? Their blubber keeps them warm. Human beings are getting fatter. There is more than anecdotal evidence to support this. It appears that human beings are preparing themselves for an ice age. It's almost obvious, isn't it?
If the world is heating up due to global warming then the fittest, i.e. the slimmest, will survive. Overweight people don't handle the heat well. Yes people, unless an ice age is coming you'd better start losing weight otherwise global warming will decimate the human population.
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